He died. 

God is punishing me for not being a good enough person.

Nobody wants to be around me.  They say I’m angry.

I’m a terrible person for not controlling my emotions during grief.

I didn’t show up to a friend’s wedding because it was too hard.

This is why people stopped wanting to be around me.

Everyone else is moving forward and I’m not.

My life will just be like this now because I’m not strong enough.

Putting things on paper like this sends my brain into overdrive.  It sounds so ridiculous to say, but I don’t know how many times I have validated why I am not good enough inside my own head.  I talk to myself like I am unlovable, unlikeable, and unworthy.

Ewwww.  Just ewww.

Would I ever think like this about another?  No.

Would I ever say something like this to another widow?  No. 

I would never tell another widow that it was their fault, or they were being punished for losing their spouse.  Never in a million years because it isn’t true.

So why do I allow that thought into my own head?

Being reasonable in grief is not an easy task. 

As a widow, your brain changes.  Your body changes.  You are not who you were before.  Even with a support system that tries to dissuade you from believing these asinine thoughts, they can still infiltrate your mind.  So how in the heck do we stop thinking and believing these things.

Well, if I knew, I’d probably be richer than Mel Robbins.  One day, maybe?  Fingers crossed. 

I grew up believing that external validation proves I am worthy.

I aced the test.  The teacher gives me a shout-out.  I am worthy!

I lost weight.  Someone whistles at me outside a convenience store.  I am worthy!

I rocked that project at work.  My boss tells everyone I’m awesome.  I am worthy!

That high five from somebody else shoots my dopamine to sky-high levels.  Yes, I am a good person and am deserving because THAT person noticed.

What if nobody recognizes you for those successes? 

What if you ace the test and the reaction was “better do that again the next time”? 

What if you lose weight and nobody even notices?

What if you rock that project at work and the boss doesn’t even acknowledge you?

Even worse, what if you didn’t knock it out of the park?  What if your outcomes aren’t what you wanted?

You failed the test.  You gained weight.  You weren’t able to complete your project.

Instead of “way to go” you hear “you need to do better”. 

Validation.  We need to shift to prioritize internal validation. 

It matters more that I understand that I am still a good person regardless if I weigh 150 or 300 pounds.  Even if nobody reads this article, I still created something that was fulfilling to me.  I might not have been successful, but I know that I can work hard and learn from my experience. 

It’s so easy to do this, right?  I’m just going to stop caring about what people think and just care about myself. 

Oh wait, I didn’t.  Therefore, I am an idiot.

It’s not easy!  We are not perfect! 

But we can try to shift our narrative.  When the toxic assholes in our lives show up and tell us we are less than, we can do what we can to not absorb their negativity and judgment. 

By speaking kindly to yourself continuously, you will train your brain to start doing that.  It’ll be hard at first, just like the first time you picked up those 15's and tried to raise them over your head.  Think of your brain as a muscle, just like the rest of the muscles in your body (I know it’s technically not, but I took the “easy” anatomy class in school).

Start with something easy.  Say something nice about yourself that you can believe.  

It might be something like, “I’ve done a good job”, “I opened the door for that person at the store and that was kind”, “I showered today so I am being productive”.

Take a chance on something you’d like to do but have been nervous about.

I’m afraid to do Zumba because I’m not going to keep up.  Instead of doing it at the big corporate gym, take the class at your community center and be in the back.  Did you enjoy Zumba?

I want to go out to dinner but nobody else is available.  People are going to judge me sitting in there alone.   Go to the quiet restaurant with a corner booth and bring a book.  Was the food delicious?

I’m afraid to wear this outfit but I love it.  Put it on and go to a local antique store where there probably aren’t a lot of people.  Make eye contact with people you pass and smile.  How did you feel in that outfit?

I know, I know, it’s easier said than done.  We just need to start with the little things.  We aren’t going to walk in and say – I’m done with all your judgment – I am emotionally stable now! 

When that nagging voice in your head tells you that you suck, tell it to shut the heck up.  Read a couple of affirmations.  Tell yourself things that prove it untrue.   Even if you believe the awful voice, keep lifting yourself up.   It’s training your brain.

I am enough.  I love myself.  I know who I am and will continue to prove it to MYSELF.  When I stumble, I will remind myself that I am human, that I am fallible, and I am not perfect.

I will continue to commit to validating myself in a positive, kind manner.  I know I can do this and I am worthy.

One day, when I say I’m enough…I’ll believe it.