The Grief and Growth Experience
What Do I Need?
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One of the hardest things to articulate after you lose your spouse is how you need help. Yet, it's probably the most common thing you are asked in the first weeks after death.
Your brain doesn't feel like it is working and the only answer you can find is "bring my husband back." And we all know that can't happen.
So this space is here to help you figure out how to ask for help.
First Thing (If Possible)
If it's at all possible, find a trusted friend or family member to help with those requests. Somebody who you trust to ask for things in your best interest. If it's not possible, refer to the next ideas to ask.
You Don't Have to Know What You Need
When somebody asks, "What do you need?" it can feel like one more decision you're supposed to make when your brain has already stopped cooperating.
You don't need to have an answer.
Sometimes it helps to think less about what you need and more about what you don't have the energy to do right now.
What are you avoiding? What keeps getting pushed to tomorrow? What would make today just a tiny bit easier if somebody else handled it?
Maybe the laundry is piling up. Maybe you need someone to pick up dog food. Maybe there are 14 people texting you and you can't answer one more person. Maybe you need someone to bring dinner, and leave it on the porch without expecting you to visit.
Those are all answers to "What do you need?"
You are allowed to accept help. You are also allowed to decide what kind of help actually feels helpful.
Print the “Answers to What Do You Need?” guide and stick it on your fridge. Then, when your mind goes blank, you have somewhere to start.
You don't have to make grief easier for the people trying to help you.
You don’t have to know what you need. Sometimes knowing what you can’t carry today is enough.
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